I hope I know what Im doing....Coz I feel Lost

What makes a girl think "Hmmm... Wouldn't kick him out of bed." ?

I had dinner in one of those resturants thats also a bar and a dance floor. You know which one, the one where all the guys go into to show how much they earn by ordering the most expensive champagne.

Well all the girls had considered a guy or two in the bar who they "Wouldn't kick out of bed". All the guys looked the same. The all had Armani suits on and a very strong, head spining aftershave. Was it the smoke in the bar... or the strong colone, whatever it was these men looked good.

So I started thinking... what makes a man HOT! Is it the looks or confidence that makes women go crazy. Its a good arguement... so lets start.

The confidence that a man holds when he walk up to you, regardless of his looks, you know he will make you smile. But a man who is sexy in every way, walks right past you because of his lack of confidence... Well... Lets just say a women doesnt always want a project to work on in a relationship.

Most of the men I have dated, almost always, have more confidence than they could handle. But I like that. I want a man to know what he wants and think he could get it. This doesnt mean that the man has to become cocky in this process. But a little confidence goes a long way. A smile from the a guy at the bar could only get you so far, but if that same guy smiles and then walks over to you... That will get you farther.

A man that dresses well is always the icing on the cake. The first time I met The Man he had on a black suit and smelt gorgous. He had walked passed giving me a little smile which made me weak. We had only stared at each other for a second but he made the best first impression anyone could ever make on me. He was hot and made me turn around as he walked past, he had also turned his head as well. What an impression!!! He still has this effect on me when he walks past me. I dont know what it is... But he is just soooo Hot!!!

I have yet to meet a man as hot as The Man... Yet I meet alot of men who try their best to match what The Man gives me.

So what do you think? What makes a man/woman hot? Confidence or looks?

I've changed the cover of this blog. Needed the change. Hope you all like it.

I did it.

I got closure.

I called him.

I made it through the day.

I then found a bouquet of flowers outside my door.

Not from him.

From The Man.

Saying....

"I missed you."

I was walking down the street when I noticed a couple of school kids... Well they were'nt kids, they were teenagers. But... anyway... They were messing about, not worrying about the world. Like many teenagers they were talking about their boyfriends.

I was'nt eavesdropping because they were talking so loadly. (I understand that many people use this excuse when they say this, but if you ever come across teenage girls you would know the volume they speak in.)

Anyways they were going about their day and talking about some guys they know, who Im guessing are their boyfriends. I heard one of them say something that got me soooo upset. I dont know why and I dont think I would ever know why this upset me soooo much. But it did. The girl said "Have you spoken to W**** lately?" (I cant rename this person). But even though this was another W****, it felt like I was 15 years old again and my friends were asking about him. Its weird how a little sentence can take you back in time and make your heart want to break in pieces. I was at work and I just felt soooo upset.
Why does he do this to me. I was told I would never forget him and mearsure many of my relationships by what he and me had. God this is getting at me soooooooooooooooooooo much.

At the end of the day, I came down to the age old question..... "Should I call him?"
And then I also did what I have always done and, probably, will always do... I turned my phone off!

Did I do the right thing?

I need to know this.... This summer has already started with a tense atmosphere!!! So people tell me, when your not watching the footie.... are you watching Big Brother? Tell me the truth?

Don't worry... After work Im swaping from one channel to another to watch the two programmes. I had some friends around yesterday and found that they had a similar evening planned until the footie or BB is over... I know what your thinking. We do have a social life, its just being put on hold until theres nothing on T.V.

Last nights was one of those nights where you stay up with a group of friends and lots of drinks and talk about everything and anything. It was 1am when we had started talking about the funniest people we had ever dated. This meaning, not that they made us laugh, just they acted in a way which made us laugh after we broke up with them.

One of my friends dated a guy who was religiously into swingers party. The other friend had dated someone who was VERY close to he's mother. God how you we find these people?

I must say... (I am being really honest when I say this, so laugh if you must)... I dated a guy who found it amusing to bring his "teddies" on his first date! This man was sweet, sexy and charming. But when I found the "toy" I thought 'He already shows signs of being immature'. I had asked about the toy, and he said it was a good luck charm.

So any man who comes across this post... please tell me.... What do you bring along on your first date?

I remember when I was young... All my dates bought me... was some flowers or a box of chocolate. Not teddies for support. But then maybe women do the same...

Have you ever been on a date with a woman, and found her carrying something out of the ordinary. Maybe.... handcuffs (thats really kinky aint it?), or some other guys photo....? Trust me those two were not just coming from the top of my head... those things actually happened to some guys I know!!!

Thanks to Arc, I found the lyrics to "Waisa bhi hota hai".

http://www.raaga.com/channels/hindi/lyrics/12811.html

Its another hot summers day. I heard it rained a lot this week, I wasnt around to see it. It flooded in East London. But I aint a weather girl so I wont dwell on it any more. Its a new day and everything seems bright and cheerful.

I heard a song this week which I thought related to everyone in this world. Its by Kailash Kher (for those of you who havent heard of him... He is a Indian singer who only sings in Hindi). He's recent song, written for the film "Waisa bhi hota hai" (meaning "It happenes that way too"), is the song I heard.

I cant get the lyrics online and even if I could the translation of them would be hard to get. But as far as I know the lyrics are beautyful. The songs says that even when someone has gone through hurtful times, that person should still see the light at the end of the tunnel because god has a bigger and better thing planned for him/her.

I know when everything goes wrong in life, its hard to think that its all being done for a good cause. I know in my life I have seen a lot of things and gone through things that most people, if lucky, would never have to go through in their life.

I had seen my parents death when I was only 18. The pain felt like it would never go away and all I asked was "Why them?". Burying them was the hardest thing I ever had to do. And through that time I wondered how god had planned my life. I had stopped believeing in him because I needed to know why it happened.

After two years of my parents I finally had the courage to move out of their house. I had to do so... If I didnt then I would never have been able to move on with my life. Every inch of my parents house reminded me of them. I got out and even though its been some years after I moved on from them I still think about why it happened. Its like... I would never get to know why and I will have to live my life without these answers.

Even though I had heard this song a lot this week I thought maybe what ever god had planned for me I do know my parents are, at least, resting in peace. I will never truely get over their death and even though I disguise myself with humour... Deep down inside I will always question this big plan.

I try to visit their grave as much as I can... But it gets too hard at times. I remember for a long time after their death I couldnt bring myself to visit their gravestone. The first time I had visited their grave, after the funeral, I had taken a friend with me. For years that same friend would still come with me to see my parents grave. I am so greatful for his kindness. This year I had finally had the courage to visit it by myself. I cried so much. I was there alone and I realised that I am now alone in my life. I know I have really good friends and without them I would still be a wreck. But I still found that without family, you have no roots. So I'm kind of like a leaf where its tree was cut up to make paper. Now this leaf would has to flow with the wind until it dries up and dies.

So whatever the big plan is... It's leaving me wondering around the world for a place to find and a family to call my own.

This was hard for me to write but after writing it, it made me feel better. You dont know how much emotion you have inside you until you start talking about mindless things. This song I wanted to talk about just brought out so many emotions.

Grace is out!

BIG BROTHER UPDATE!

The tittle sounds romantic, doesnt it? I had spent yesterday, half watching the match and half lazing around my house. I'm not a couch potatoe, I did have a bath and didnt eat at all... But I did stay in the same spot the whole day. Until The Man came round my house to take me out.

I did'nt know what to expect from him... Is this a date? or is this just a walk to the local pub? So many questions and only one way to find out. I let him take my hand and he took me out to show his side of the world. The stroll near london bridge and the drinks at a expensive café. What else would a girl want?

Maybe some more answers... Why is it that he only comes to meet me out of the blue? I hardly see him at work since I have been working on my project. Does this mean that I'll be on his call any time he wants me to come around? I do not live my life like this... I needed to know things and since he likes to play mysterious games... I wanted to tell him that I'm more of a upfront girl...

After some french Café food I had begun the conversation. What is going on? Well... The answer came as a shock to me... He has just come out of a marriage of two years. He's looking for fun and NO COMMITMENT what so ever.

I was kind of suprised... But you know when everything goes right in your life and you think "there must be a catch in this"... Well I had thought of this ever since he first came to my house.

I spent last night thinking of what I should do. I am climbing the career ladder and I dont want to walk down a relationship ladder. I guess... (I will admit to this)... I am just too old for games. I don't want to settle with anyone but I also dont want to have fun all my life. Fun and games time has now passed...

The ending of yesterday was not one I had wanted in any of my dreams, but I did stop dreaming and open my eyes to the reality that everything/everyone comes with a catch.

The Man maybe a good catch but not a catch I'm after.

Are there enough words to explain what I'm felling right now....? Probably not.... But I'll try to explain it the best I can.

I feel so over whemled with excitement I think I might burst!!!!

You know what Im talking about dont you??

THE WORLD CUP IS HERE AND ENGLAND WON THE FIRST MATCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well done Beckham for the first score which was done only two minute into the game. I was in shock when I saw it, I know it was a free kick when it happened... But still it was a score and we WON!!!


I will update this blog regularly when England plays... The next game is on 15th June 2006 against Trinidad & tobago. I will try my best to get all the details the best I can.

It was forty years ago when we last bought the world cup home, and let me tell you this...

FOOTBALL'S COMING HOME THIS YEAR!!!

Summer is finally here. It took some time and a lot of rain but we made it... The sun is out and all is bright and clear. All the flowers that took time to grow in the spring look beautyful in the summer sun. My garden is like an artist colour pallet, all the colours mixed together and the green shining through.

When I was young summer was the time to run around playing and laughing. The world seemed like a big playground where I could run and play anywhere I wished to.

I was stuck in my office all day and the only view to the out side world was from the window shaded by blinds. Not a pretty world from the office. You know when your inside school, (Primary school, secondary school, college or Uni), stuck in class trying to concentrate but you cant bcoz the world outside the window looks so playfull. The trees are calling to you and the flowers are glowing. All you want to do is go out but you can't. The strain of responsibilty is weighing down on your shoulders. God only knows thats how I always feel when the sun comes out.

If it was upto me London would always have a proper summer... This meaning that it will be nice and hot through out the 3 months and not just for 9 days of those three months. People who live near the sea-side must be loving it but here in the city's busy life the only good view we get to see is the garden on our front/back of the house.

So as a Londoner I will do what every Londoner takes pride in doing... I will sun-bathe in my garden and then go to the local pub to have a few drinks. Yes... this may not be the life style people plan on living... Yes... This is'nt a perfect summers day well spent... BUT... Its summer and I will do my best to enjoy it. Coz who knows... It might rain tomorrow.

The weekends trip to whitechapel and back. Not really a trip... rather a chore, I had to go and get something from PC World. My sister (whose a really close friend of mine) had drived me there and I had obvioulsy taken a back seat to enjoy the view. The last time I had gone there I was only 11 years old... only a little girl and going there reminded me of the same things I had left when I was little. The different culture still buzzing with excitement. The viberant colours and all the signs written in English and then repeated in Bangali. It was brilliant. After being in PC World for what felt like hours we had taken the traditional tour of east London... Anyone who lives there would know of this tour... We went to the center of whitechapel and then down to Green Street. When I was young Green Street was always said to be so "tacky" like every culture in the world had formed a circle and only the cheesy bits of the culture were highlighted. But now that I've gone there... I have seen it in a different way. The colours of each country... India, Pakistan and Bangladesh. I guess the world goes by so fast but the little things in life remain the same. This street has always been the same. More shops have now been opened but still the same vibe comes from this place.
However there are more styles formed in each shops, the trends in the Bollywood fashion have changed and even though I dont wear indian clothes I did end up buying three outfits.

Everyone, at one time or another, has worked with a female boss or a co-worker. Its always a experience when two women have to work together... They either really like each others company or most likely hate each other. In my job I mostly have to carry out individual projects but since Im going back to work on Monday I was given my next assignment early. For the next few weeks I would be working in a team of five. I dont mind working in a team... its good experience and at they end of the day its also good networking.

But I was told I would be working with Miss Bitch. Thats obviously not her real name but trust me shes a BITCH! She loves making sure there is an "I" in team and work enviroment is turned into a high school popularity competition when she's involved. Her favoirte past times, as I recall, were taking about everyone behind their backs, and I was always her favorite topic.

When I had first started this job, I was apparantly given the job she applied for. I thought everything would be alright but it turns out she had thought of it as a personal insult of me taking a job and made sure my first few months in this job was hell. Her best moments came from telling everyone in the office that I was really a man and how I loved to do tamtrums whenever I had the chance.

I found this behaviour childish but after sometime of ignoring her comments I had done what anyone in my shoes would of done. I had confronted her about her behaviour towards me but when she denied even saying a word against me I thought fine be childish... She just didnt know I have a little child inside who loves coming out!

However, some time passed and we were positioned in different departments so it was a relief that I didnt have to work with her but also a little disappointment since our little "arguements" were not to occur again. She's annoying and a major drama queen... But I loved working with her. Its weird... I know... but it was fun working with her. Even though we had our disagreements over everything, She was always making me laugh one way or another.

Anyway... She will be working alongside me, two male collegues who Im good friends with and another female collegue who is, I must say, the funniest person I've ever met!

I could just see the next few weeks being filled with emotions and sincerity... She will be honest about her feelings towards me and I will make sure I play this game fairly (or close enough, depending on how it goes).

I guess me calling her a bitch is taking it too far... BUT COME ON! The way she is, who wouldnt? LoL