I hope I know what Im doing....Coz I feel Lost

If you could see me today you'll see a big smile on my face. Its bank holiday today. And most of you must of spent it with friends and family. Thats what bank holidays are really about aint it? I planned to do nothing today... have a lazy Monday in my apartment. The only time I went out was when I had to nip to the shop down the corner. As I headed home I found a man standing out side my apartment constantly pressing a buzzer. I wanted to spell it out to him that the person wont be home so stop trying! So instead I did the next thing, I took my keys out to get in. For me to get into the door I had to ask this man to move aside so I did it in my best possible voice. This man turned around and gave me a shock of a life time. This man was The Man. He stood there smiling down at me, whilst I stood there open mouth with probably eyes wide open. How good has this day been eh? Well it gets better. He had come to see me... which surprised me even more. The Man has found out that I wont be in work for some time and tried to reach me over the weekend... (How sweet?)

He bought me some flowers and choclates to make me feel better. Little did he know that him coming to see made me feel a hundred times better, but i couldnt tell him that. It really didnt matter what he bought me coz I was still standing in front of him wearing an old t-shirt, lose joggers and a massive coat wraped around me. I looked like SHIT!I had invited him in... coz thats wat single women do, they invite the sexy co-worker in (they also get onto other levels with him, but I wont get into that.) How nice of him to see... he could of been anywhere in the world... (Im guessing he probably would have gone to meet other sexy man and hang out, just my fantasy)... But nope he was in my living room talking to me. I didnt pay attentsion to most of this conversation, I felt like a school girl (lol). All the worries in my head went away when I saw him out side my apartment. And I must admit I had quite a few more fantasies of him whilst he was in my apartment.

How the day progressed will only be known to me and him. However... I realised one thing. I was given a chance to get to know The Man many times before. But I had never taken the chance and so making sure nothing happen between me and him. How many chances do we get in the world to do something right? To do something that will make us happy... even for one moment?

I dont know what went through his head when he was coming to meet me today... I dont know if he had argued with himself when he came to meet me today... But whatever went on in the head of his.. Im glad of the decision... Coz I was to cowardly to make this decision before hand.

When he was here with me... I had obviously drunk to much. But how can I not drink around him. After he left I had a sudden urge to call all my friends to let them know what happened. I had even more of an urge to call my ex's to let them know what happened in more detail. But I didnt coz I dont Kiss n Tell. However my last post about soul mates made me have a little more hope in my life today. Coz thats what we all need, is'nt it? Coz hope makes the world go round... Hope makes us wake up in the morning... and hope makes us act the way we do... Without hope I probably wouldnt of impressed him with my art work or even worse without hope I wouldn't of invited him to my apartment.

Soul mates... Do they exsist? When I was young my mother told me that no matter what happens everyone gets a happy ending if they truely deserved it. The fairy tales I read made everything seem so perfect. I was only seven years old and I had dreamt of my dream man. He who would ride a white horse and take me away. As I grew older that fantasy of mine became more surreal. How can I have true happiness when there was so much bad things going on around me.

I've had my ups and downs in all relationships... But I always wondered whether in the future I would meet Mr Right. I grew older and my Mr Right changed... yet I still believed he exsisted. I was out with a friend today. Where he asked me why I thought I had a soul mate... why anyone thought they had a soul mate. I didnt know what to say. What do you say to this comment. I know he's being very melodramtic when he asked me this, but I knew that the question was always bugging me inside, I just chose to avoid it.

I haven't seen any relationships that have lasted at all. The relationship that started out of love, now only stick together out of promises and commitments. The love no longer exsist and at one time the relationship comes to a point where no one argues because there is no feeling between the couple. Once the person who couldn't go without a day unless he/she saw their lover, now goes without weeks on end without seeing them.

Does this mean they haven't found their soul mate? But if they loved each other at one time... what happened? There are 6,518,755,247 people in the world. How can we be linked to one of them because that one might be across the world from where you are.

But regardless of all that has been said there is one thing I will hold on to. Even if everything I believe in isnt true. I will hold on to the fact that one day I will meet my soul mate. I know that my soul mate exsist. It doesnt mater I havent met him yet... honestly I dont care. But knowing that someone is out there to complete me is a better belief than living my life knowing that soul mates dont exsist.

When I meet him... my whole body should go electrified and this feeling shouldn't go away... at all! Soul mates are people who understand you, who know what makes you happy and knows how to bring a smile on your face. Even in this world of Mr me me me, Mr S, The man and Mr Hair gel... there should be... some where out there... Mr Soul Mate. No matter who this is... no matter where he is... I know he exsist.

I had a friend ask if friendship was the best form in finding your soul mate. I said no straight away. Because even if friendship exsist before a relationship... the arugement would then be formed that whether its a good idea to have a relationship which will knowingly break a friendship.

There are many comments that are decided when a person seeks out when looking for their other half. But at the same time while dweling over how your other half maybe... the thought occured to me that maybe I might not be right for my other half. I met a guy who Ive come to know in the past few months. He works with me and when ever he's around he makes me laugh. He knows how to put a smile on my face, we share little secret jokes and he comments on how I look without being obvious. But am I right for him? He's come from America, he had parents who are still together and he who has seen more countries than me... He wants someone who is different from me... Trust me I know he does. That puts everything is a different perspective.

I wonder how I'll find my soul mate. Maybe I already know him. Maybe Il never meet him. What ever the obsticles that come in my way... I know Il suvive through it and no matter what I do in my future I wont wait for him to come. Coz now its not about the knight in shining armour coming to save me and take me away. Its about me driving my car and going where ever I want. And if along the way I come across my soul mate that'l be great. Until then its just me, myself and I.

I have now been told to get bed rest by the doctor... He even sent a letter to my work place to tell them I wont be going in to work for sometime. I am ill and need bed rest. Its nice to know that I can finally spend time by myself... what I always wanted but I cant stay in one place for a week! I mean, I know I am allowed out and all... but I was told to relax and not do anything that would cause stress.... This really means to me that I should go away for a week until Doctor thinks I have had enough rest.

I spent today thinking how Im going to go about this time off. I know its like my wish has come true... But im more of a practical person than a lay back person. I wondered whether I hould go back to being an artist... Painting as and when I feel like it. When I was young I was so easily inspired. I guess you can say the world was my muse for life. But once I had started working I stopped working on my paintings. Its been nearly two years since I started working and I love what I do. I'm not a person who moans about going into work and staying late coz Iv worked hard to get my position.

Today I wondered what happened to the girl who's room was full of paintings. I went shopping at one of the furniture stores where they also sell works of unknown artist. I bought enough paintings to fill my apartment up. But after getting all the pictures up I saw the shining light at the end of the tunnel. I saw that this time off really ment that I should do all the things my heart desired... even if some of the things are naughty!

I have to start re-decorating my apartment... the idea of changing places has to be put aside for another time. But I need to start... I've got time off to do it...

The only bad thing would be that I wont see The man for some time. I saw him in the morning, his car was next to mine. But how cruel is fate to stop me seeing him again for some time... LoL

This time off will give me some perspective on him... Hopefully I should be able to think of a good reason to talk to him, if not then seeing him smile at me is still good.

Big Brother is wicked this year!!! Shabaz, hated his emotional outbreaks, but loved the drama he caused.
Bonnie, or shall we call her bonnay, was kinda boring... she got evicted today....
Dawn got kicked out.... with all the drama shabaz caused in the house i didnt really pay attention to every other house mate...

ok that all had to be said... its good... you know it... better than the last years...


Ok my original post got deleted some how so I this is all I had to write... I dont care if its boring... But the things I wanted to say were deleted... Oh Well.

I was feeling quite emotional today. I hadn't done any intellectual activity for days. Work doesn't count since it's more practical, than the normal reading and writing most people do. I need time to wonder what im doing with my life. I love the job im in but is that enough.

I was chating to a mate whose from America... and she was saying that im lucky that I live in London and that I can go any where I want whenever I want, since night life here is really good. Thats not true! I was out on wednesday night and central London was dead.

But this is my city I love being here and I can't think of being anywhere else. I know london like the back of my hand. The pubs, the high streets, the castle's, the history and the museums... all that makes london great.

But I've lived here all my life. I need a break from all this and find myself to be able to view london differently. Its kinda like... you need to take a step back to view your life in a different perspective. Weekends in London go by so quickly you hardly even notice them. And night life is like a glimpse into another world. Everyone is friendly once drunk and I've noticed that comparing other countries to Britain, us british have a tendency to do our stuff without bothering other people... but this also means we dont like to be bothered!

My friend was telling me about his trip to Australia. He said that people there would go up to him and were really friendly. That sounds nice and even though the thought of having peolple being friendly is kind of appealing I still prefer to do things my way without being disturbed.

I guess im just feeling down... maybe its not London... its just me. I need to pull myself away from the routine of parties and formal dinners and try to discover myself again. My best friend had asked me to go south of France with him. That would be a nice change. But I cant run away from my problems and I need to face them head on. Im feeling annoyed with everything thats going on... my routine is now so regular that people have stopped asking me what I did over the weekend since they know I went out some where partying.

Its time for a change. Starting from my apartment. I need to move from my area, which is nice but wasn't my first choice when I left my parents house. I need to move futher into the city. Secondly I need to join some classes... yoga would be nice since I use to do beofre and had stopped. This has to be done... its better to start from the problems that are easeir to change, like apartments, than changing the biggest problems... changing countries.

I love London... And I can't and wont give it up for anything but when the heart wants change, theres not much anyone could do about it.

There was a rumour that was passed around my friends. It was regarding me and another mate of mine, Mr S. The rumour was that Mr S fancies me and has done so since we had first met. Mr S, who is a good friend and always there to support me heard the same rumour but this time it was said that I fancied him.

From my side of the story...

I had thought about him ever since I heard this rumour. The signs were all there. I always had a feeling that he had a crush on me and at times he would do things to make me believe it. Ever since the thought of him got into my head I couldnt get it out. I started seeing him in another light. I saw he's sweet side, he's sensitive side and even he's sexy side (Hence the name Mr S.)

This rumour had started to control me, whether I wanted it to or not. My friends, who had started the rumour, were always giving me more reasons to like him. I even started seeing if he had a girlfriend I didnt know about.

I had to find out. I had to know if this was true. Was I just wasting my time on a rumour that wasnt true or was this a gold mine I was sitting on?

I had some time to think about it after the wedding was over, I wondered if I actually liked him. Or was this just another reason I made myself believe I needed someone in my life because I've been single for some time now. I have had a few dates now and then but not a relationship. Do I just feel like I have to be with someone because I havent been with someone for so long?

Can rumours control your life? can people's little thoughts dictate whether your with the right person or not? We have all been there... someones concern over your life might seem like their trying to control you. Someones little gesture, even though you might think it being such a big comment, might just be a mindless thought on their behalf. This rumour might of been someones opinion but it turned into something big and controling.

I heard this rumour three months ago and today I found out it wasnt true. I am thankful that I found it out beofre I could do anything.... coz he is still a friend. Mr S had the same things running through his mind when this rumour had started. o stop all these confusions I could have picked up phone and called him. All of this would never of happened. But I choose to dwel over it.

I came to a conclusion after all this had happened I could have just stopped and thought about this clearly. I should have talked this through with Mr S. HoweverIi might have reacted to this rumour... one thing was ment to be... I was ment to have thought about Mr S it a different light. And now he's not only a friend but he's also a friend I would never think about sexually. Coz this rumour made me realise that Mr S, however nice he may be, and me aint ment to be. This rumour began as a little mindless thought but it bought me and Mr S together.

Tomorrow is the wedding! It’s finally here, after a year of planning and talking about it. At the start of the week I thought Id die during this week, everything was getting to me, even my best friend who’s the bride!! I guess its stress; I haven’t actually slept well for the past few nights. But who can blame me? I had the bride calling me every minute… Bless her sweet heart; she’s so nervous about tomorrow.

I was in her house today, all her family was round and so was mine. We were all talking and laughing when one of my aunties noticed that I was single. That conversation can wake the dead! I wasn’t listening to the whole conversation before but after my name and the words “still single” came up I was alert and ready to make a quite exit. But my aunts are like hawks.
Honestly, they didn’t even see me leave but I swear they heard me leave, or smelt me leave coz they all of the sudden asked me over to “join” the conversation.

Now with my best smile pasted on my face I walked over to them and sat down. In my mind all I was thinking was how I can make my phone ring or how I can faint so I can avoid this conversation! And again, like before, they must of felt or smelt something and one of them reached out to hold my hand. I was kind of impressed by the pre-cautions they were taking. I mean they actually had all areas covered! No where to run and hide.

So there I was sitting in-between my aunties. One of them starts to talk about her son and him being so nice and gentleman like. Whatever! I know him and I know how he’s like. I swear these people could sell air to people. Honestly that’s how they were talking about their sons. Until one of them said out load how she met this guy from America and how nice he is and how well mannered he is. And the fact that he is going to the wedding tomorrow is a coincidence!

That was my cue to leave. I said that I heard someone call me from outside and I ran like the wind. I have never ran so fast in my life, but when its an emergency anyone could!

My mission for tomorrow, not only do I have to keep everything under control I also have to avoid Mr America and the 20 aunties that would be following him round. I can just picture it, he’s standing there and like body guards, my aunties would be surrounding him away from other girls and looking for me with binoculars.

I really do love them, but when will they learn my heart is already given away. I’m just waiting for his heart, which apparently got lost in the post, isn’t that right, Mr Pitt?

Does it hurt when you say goodbye? Does it pain for you to smile? Does it still bring tears to your eyes thinking about it?

I was taking a walk when I ran into my ex. We were together for 3 years and I loved him so much. We first met over dinner in someones house. To me it felt like a fairytale. He just didnt want to be tied down so quickly. Three years aint quick... But I didnt want to force myself on to him and so I let him go. I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought that like fairytales, il still have my "happy ever after" with him. He might see sence and come back. But I saw sence and moved on. I thought I did, I thought after so long I had actully moved on. I no longer wanted to be with him and I had started dating other men. I even had some meaningful relationships with some men.

I saw him today... with his wife. He had obviously moved on!!! and moved far away from me. I dont want him back... my heart cant take the heart-ache anymore but just to see him... MARRIED!

Of all things in this world... of all the bad things that I have seen, I saw him MARRIED! That pain is just too much. How can you feel ok one point then have everything you believed in chucked back at your face. All my thought were of... why? why her? why not me? why now? why not then?
I know I dont want him back, coz that ship has sailed... But im still upset. And for the first time in my life, no amount of alcohol will fix this.
And no amount of humour would make me forget.
I feel upset... but not coz he aint mine anymore, or that he moved on, or that he's married, im upset coz that girl who loved him so much, that girl whos heart he broke along time ago, has finally realised that a fairytale would never come true.

I guess it was never ment to be.

I have a very close friendship with one of my mates. We've been through thick and thin together. And now she is getting married this weekend. How wonderful... I hope she has the honeymoon period thats lasts a life time!

Now the problem...This week I have to be there for her on every call... Which means I have to be sober and alert. Those two things dont match. But for her I'l do it. I mean... come on, she is my best friend... and this is her wedding... an occasion that comes once in a life time (if ur not J-lo). Iv taken a week off to be with her... get the last minute things done and just help her relax...

Iv done a good job so far. I know its only Monday, the start of the week but still I was there when she wanted to come with me to do lingerie shopping and have lunch afterwards. She, for some reason, didnt trust my opinion on lingerie and so she had to supervise what I bought her.

I was alert today and hadnt drank since last saturday... I deserve an award!! (Dont get me wrong.. im not a binge drinker. But I like one now and then.Now meaning this hour, then meaning the next hour, only jokin.)

I have done the main things everyone does when they are going to a wedding:

• Iv done detoxin for the wedding day.
• Iv got all the fone numbers for the day, eg... groom, best man, caterers... so on
• I have got arguements ready just in-case the bride has cold feet (This was quite easy wen u knw they are made for each other)
• Iv made sure the brides sister has a date! (This was the hardest to do)
• Iv made sure the grooms ex's wont be near (dont ask how I did it, but after doing it I felt like a miricle worker!!)
• Iv made sure the hen night wont leave anyone... too drunk, arrested or worse... missing!
• And last, but not least, Iv made sure I gave the groom a speech on how il kick his butt from here to India, if he even thought about running out on the bride. (This was kinda funny, he kept on laughin saying I wudnt do it, untilI fliped him over my shoulders, He aint laughin now though!)

And guess what I forgot to do?

Thats right... I forgot to get a date for myself... So now il be the sober, alert and lonely woman at the wedding!!

Oh well! Theres always other weddings and other times to meet new people, this day is about her... And iv made sure of it.

One thought did come across my mind... This is the second wedding where I was the bride's maid.

Premenstrual syndrome, PMS, we all have it.
Well girls have it. Its the reason that most women do the things they do. And if any of those women are like me, they would then use this as an excuse for everything they do.

Someone asks: 'Why are you eating so much?'
Me: 'PMS'

Someone asks: 'Why did you spend all that money'
Me: 'PMS'

Well I guess you know how it goes.

Well today I realised that men suffer from this as well. Many of my guy mates go on this same behaviour patterns as we girls do. Dont ask why, it is just so.

Have you ever had a conversation with a guy to only find out that for no reason at all, he no longer wants to talk? or that something was said and he's suddenly gone quite. At least women have excuses.

Mens PMS, Penis Mentality Syndrome.

Thats what is....
How many of you have come across this? Now be honest? I dnt even get it as much as they do. Honestly!

This is how it goes with them:
You say: "What's up?"
He says: "(Sighs) Nothing."


You say: "Aint he funny?" (And you point at someone who is)
He says: "(Sighs) If you think so..."

Have you come across this behaviour?
Do you find it normal?
If not please do comment!!!!
Coz its driving me insane!