I hope I know what Im doing....Coz I feel Lost

I know it has been a long time since I have writen. But it seems like every time I start to write something I stop. I dont know why. Last post I had started writing was about The Man. But I hadnt finished writing it since I found some of the things written to personal. I guess now that I have written everything about myself, writing about someone else in my life seems like Im mis-using their trust. I know there is no way someone would read this and say "hey I know you and I know who The Man is" (besides my close friends who know I have this blog running). I guess I have always let this blog be a little personal to me, its just now I wonder whether I should be writing some things.... coz they might upset some people.

This thought has come across my mind quite often, ever since I moved in with The Man. Actually I have also had other thoughts in my mind besides this. W**** has been in my mind alot lately. I will now write what my heart wants...If anyone gets upset with this (those who know me will understand why Im feeling this way)...Sorry!

I know I shouldnt think of an ex when I have a good thing going with The Man. But like I have said before, I will always think of W**** no matter what happens to me. Its like I would walk through fire and enter a paradise but I would still want to talk to W**** about everything I have learnt. W**** wasnt just an ex but also a best friend. That conbination you dont get very often. I was chatting to a friend of mine, who has been there for me when I was with W****. She told me I would never forget him. Even if I marry Mr Right! I kinda wish I could forget him. Because now living with The Man I want him to be close to me but I find it very hard to open up to him. I keep thinking I will rely on The Man and he would then realise Im not the one and leave.

Since I was young til now, I have learnt from my mistakes but what had happened between me and W**** was kinda like a scar that will never leave me. I have told The Man about W****. Coz I think he has a right to know, also I had told him all this when I thought me and him wouldnt work out.

I guess Im having cold feet. I am living a life that I always wanted to live. Im in love with The Man and I love my job and friends. But my heart still bleeds for people who I have lost. Some who will never come back, others who choose not to come back. And so Im trying to find fault with what I do have.

Monday...

Oh what a beautiful day. It's raining outside whilst Im stuck in my office. Its brilliant. No, Honestly it is! Its been so hot this summer that I ACTUALLY secretly hoped that it would rain like British weather. And it did! The clouds are grey and the street are muddy. You could smell the rain, just slightly inside the office.

Well... Thats my weather report to you all. lol

I have done the impossible. Well... Not really impossible but something I thought I'd probably never get round to doing. I have now moved out of my old apartment and into my new one. The new apartment is a two bedroom flat with ensuite in the master bedroom. It is beautyful! ok... Lets start again with how it all came about.

I had gone with The Man, to spend the weekend with him last weekend. Well it didnt go to plan and I was very ill during our time together so he had to take care of me. The monday following me and him had started wondering about our relationship. It was the most serious conversation ever! At times I wanted to laugh at the situation but I knew I couldnt since he will take it as something else. But after a long time we both decided that it would be good if I moved in with him. I mean I could always move out if it doesnt work out, Right?

I have now moved in with him and I'm happy. Our relationship is not the normal relationship everyone has but its close enough to one. I guess either way, moving in with him or by myself, I had to move out. But I secretly hope I didnt move in with him just so I have a reason for moving out of my apartment. Hmm. I havent yet told him I love him, I will do some day but right now I want to settle in with him. At times he shows he loves me but at times he's so mysterious that im left confused. He does care for me, he shows me that every time I'm near him but... I dunno. I guess no matter what happens in life, whether good or bad, we will always question it. After all we are humans and nothing is too good to be true.

Oh well... What ever happens I will just have to face it when it happens. Hopefully everything works out like a fairy tale (Yes, Im still a little girl at heart no matter what I do or say haha).