I hope I know what Im doing....Coz I feel Lost

Its another hot summers day. I heard it rained a lot this week, I wasnt around to see it. It flooded in East London. But I aint a weather girl so I wont dwell on it any more. Its a new day and everything seems bright and cheerful.

I heard a song this week which I thought related to everyone in this world. Its by Kailash Kher (for those of you who havent heard of him... He is a Indian singer who only sings in Hindi). He's recent song, written for the film "Waisa bhi hota hai" (meaning "It happenes that way too"), is the song I heard.

I cant get the lyrics online and even if I could the translation of them would be hard to get. But as far as I know the lyrics are beautyful. The songs says that even when someone has gone through hurtful times, that person should still see the light at the end of the tunnel because god has a bigger and better thing planned for him/her.

I know when everything goes wrong in life, its hard to think that its all being done for a good cause. I know in my life I have seen a lot of things and gone through things that most people, if lucky, would never have to go through in their life.

I had seen my parents death when I was only 18. The pain felt like it would never go away and all I asked was "Why them?". Burying them was the hardest thing I ever had to do. And through that time I wondered how god had planned my life. I had stopped believeing in him because I needed to know why it happened.

After two years of my parents I finally had the courage to move out of their house. I had to do so... If I didnt then I would never have been able to move on with my life. Every inch of my parents house reminded me of them. I got out and even though its been some years after I moved on from them I still think about why it happened. Its like... I would never get to know why and I will have to live my life without these answers.

Even though I had heard this song a lot this week I thought maybe what ever god had planned for me I do know my parents are, at least, resting in peace. I will never truely get over their death and even though I disguise myself with humour... Deep down inside I will always question this big plan.

I try to visit their grave as much as I can... But it gets too hard at times. I remember for a long time after their death I couldnt bring myself to visit their gravestone. The first time I had visited their grave, after the funeral, I had taken a friend with me. For years that same friend would still come with me to see my parents grave. I am so greatful for his kindness. This year I had finally had the courage to visit it by myself. I cried so much. I was there alone and I realised that I am now alone in my life. I know I have really good friends and without them I would still be a wreck. But I still found that without family, you have no roots. So I'm kind of like a leaf where its tree was cut up to make paper. Now this leaf would has to flow with the wind until it dries up and dies.

So whatever the big plan is... It's leaving me wondering around the world for a place to find and a family to call my own.

This was hard for me to write but after writing it, it made me feel better. You dont know how much emotion you have inside you until you start talking about mindless things. This song I wanted to talk about just brought out so many emotions.