I hope I know what Im doing....Coz I feel Lost

I know I took time off to re-think myself life but I coudltn. I dont think anyone can ever re-think it. I tried to right many wrongs but its all bull shit. My mistakes, in a weird and wonderful way, define me. I dont care what has happened. So Lets skip this long awaited introduction and start writing...

Does any one remember me?

No? Well read the blog and comment.

I will have to stop blogging for a little while. Work is getting a bit to hectic and my life has some to a sudden crash. I need to get my head clear and find my path once more. I will start blogging again but I just dont know when. I may be a different person by then... who knows? I might even stop blogging for good. Who knows? But until I find my feet I would like to thank everyone who read my posts and commented on it! I will try to visit other people's blogs but right now I'll leave my laptop alone on my desk. I have moaned to my friends that I need a holiday and now I am going to have one. A long break from routine should do the trick.

So for everyone reading this I hope the new year brings alot of happiness your way. All I have to say now is............................ WATCH THIS SPACE!

I know I havent written anything personal for a long time. It has just been posting of poetry. I am sorry for this, I have just alot going on. The Man is back in London and Im finding it hard not to get back with him. Its not like I dont want to get back with him its just that I still need time to grow. When I saw that he was back from Paris I was is the biggest disbelief ever! It seemed like the lights went off everywhere else and I couldnt even hear a sound. I saw him and everything else didnt matter. We shared one long look at each other, one small smile and then he walked away. I was left stunned. I know it was along time ago that me and The Man split up but he does still have a place in my heart.

I thought that if he is out of sight then he is out of mind but I was sooo wrong. He's been in my mind, hidden in there waiting to come out and show me that I still love him.

I needed to see if you were back,
Coz deep inside I thought you dcom back.

Michael O'Neill: Kimmy says if you love someone you say it, you say it right then, out loud. Otherwise the moment just...

Julianne Potter: Passes you by...



From "My best friends wedding"

You want to take a part of me,
Take it with you but remember one thing,
Im still whole without you.

Ill cry at night and laugh out load with my friends,
Im only human and you need to know you cant break me,
It'l take you time to realise this... I always knew you were slow!

Dont worry though,
Il still be standing when a million guys like you have come and gone,
Because even though you have hurt me... I still have been through much worse.

So now run a long with your tail between your legs,
But feel sorry for yourself coz even though I have been hurt,
I can still stand strong knowing that your in the wrong!

I hold you close when I sleep at night,
Im imprisoned under your spell and theres no way out,
I wonder if you are really here or have I fallen a sleep again.

You intoxicate my mind, my body, my soul,
You've incarcerated me without another thought,
Your touch sends shivers down my spine,
I wonder if Im dreaming,
I wonder if I have fallen a sleep again.

You've come back to me and its ended badly again for the zillionth time. It happens every time and yet we never learn. I guess we hope that some how it might be different the next time. But thats not true, we were never ment to be. I guess no matter how much we change and try to better ourselves.... Me and you can not even be friends now.

This time I thought it would be different, this time I thought I wouldnt get emotionally involved. But when its you.... Im involved emotionally, phsyically and spiritually. I know, I know my friends had warned me a thousand times. But your intoxicating. Theres something about you that I can not find else where. As soon as I hear your voice or see your face I am under some spell where I can not think logically. Its like Im a walking zombie. I saw the warning signs around you but I still went with you. But now I am here again doing what I do best.... complaining about how I got too involved with you.
Does this happen to you too? Do you regret our friendship/relationship? I dont even know what we have any more. Its just so complicated. But whatever it is, do you regret it too? This world is full of billions of people to love and hate. You and me can not even fall in that category. I care/love/hate you (I delete as and when appropriate). Is this normal? Can we live like this?

My life too complicated already for me to decide. I just wish there was a simple answer.

This post is linked to W****.

Did you hear me cry,
or see my tear stained face?
I needed you the most,
But all you did was stare and walk away.

Did you hear my heart break,
Or did you expect all these,
I wonder what went through your head,
I wonder when you realised Im not the one.

The rain on London streets shimers on the road. Its quite beautyful, and no im not a tourist guide trying to sell you a ticket to london. My London today was quite grey. There were clouds every where and it was raining like someone was sqeezing the clouds. But even in this weather I managed to smile....why? Because my London was finally glowing. I dont care what others think, London was always ment to be cold in winter n quite hot in summer. This year was different, it was really hot this summer. And even with all the sun we got, I couldn't see London glow. But now with the rain and the grey, dark cloudes...My London finally shines and glows like old times.

Its hard getting over a messy break up. Theres no right or wrong answers. You can always drown your sorrows with a drink or four. But nevertheless it will be hard to carry on as before. Facing what you do everyday kinda becomes a chore. Going to work when everyone knows what happens isnt really nice. But its not like Im the only one whose gone through a messy break up. So when people stare I really wonder what they are thinking. Coz if they have NEVER gone through a break up then I feel sorry for them. Coz how else are you ment to learn without having your heart broken and made it feel like its be stabed a hundred times by your lover. That feeling, even though its a horrible feeling, everyone needs to go through it once. Its makes you stronger. It shows who your real friends are, when your friends are still awake with you late at night trying to make you feel better..

Its strange, I have gone through so much in my life yet this break up feels so hard to get over. I have tried many methods to get over the whole thing. Iv gone out with friends, got a whole new outfit, spent my cash like I was a Hilton child... and yet I feel like I have made no progress. I feel the same as I did when I found out it was over. I'm trying so hard to think of work, trying to be career orientated... but I cant. Coz thats where I met him. I need a break. I want everything to be back to normal....when I had a crush on him but didnt want to take it further.

A friend of mine told me once, that there is never a correct way to get over a person... so you just have to bite the bullet, take it cold turkey and face the facts. Its a theory of his... And I guess its probably the best thing to do.

Im still young. So I guess I should stop worrying about him and carry on with my life............ but where do I begin?????

Time to go away.... Time to run.
Its time for me to grow.... I think now its the time for you to know.
I bleed too,
I cry too,
I hurt too,
I need you.

The Man called today. Its the second most hurtful conversation I have had in my life.





Is it ok to cry when you why it wasnt ment to be.

I have now tried my very best to concentrate on work. Its so hard coz all Im thinking about is the weather outside. Its raining outside and I am stuck in an office trying to write a report. What I would love to do is to run outside, take my shoes off and start dancing. I have now been humming a tune and wondering if any would notice me gone.

Every conversation starts by "Hi" or "Hello". Its a universal language. When you dont know what to say... Just say "Hi". The other words just come easily. So dont be shy...Run along and say "Hi". Say it to the person you have the hots for. You never know... You might get a "Hey" in reply.

So eveyone out there.... a lil message from me....

It now become a bad habbit. I seem to never update this blog of mine. Its a very bad habit I know but it looks like it gonna stick.

A lot has happened since I last updated. Me and The Man broke up. Yes, my lover is no longer with me.

Now I am pretty sure that you all know I love fairy tales. When I was young I hoped my life would be like one, obviously the reality is far from it. Now this got me thinking. I am in love with the "Cinderella" story. And I always wondered whether my prince would ever come on a white horse and save me from this crule world. I dont have a step mother or even two sisters, my life from this story is very lonely. But I do have friends who intends on rulling my life, (coz according to them im only in a relationship so I can watch it fall apart) and I also have some collegues who seem to think I can handle the work they load on me.

My prince did come and went. He didnt ask me to try on any shoes or even asked what my shoe size was. He came to my life as a handsome stranger and left a mark on my heart that could never be removed. I loved and lost..... again.

Its happened to me way too many times now. I have lost hope in ever finding my perfect match. It seems that my life in this world is ment to be spent alone. But when I think this thought I seem to have a little voice within me saying that maybe im just finding the wrong frogs and the right one is going through the same problem as me. But its getting so hard now. I didnt want my relationship with The Man to end this way, but it did.

I wondered last Friday whether I should go and find him. Whether I should admit I was wrong. Theres too many thoguhts. All contradicting each other. I have no longer have any guidence which i can depend on. I now have many paths in front of me and no guideing inner voice.

Do I go to him?

Should I admit I was wrong?

Would I have second thoughts again if we do get back together?

Am I still too young for all these feelings?

Am I immature for a proper relationship?

Should I leave it for fate to handle my love life?

Should I wait for my fairytale to start?

Has it already started?

Should I call him?

Should I visit him?

Should I leave it and move on?

Many questions and no answers.

I know it has been a long time since I have writen. But it seems like every time I start to write something I stop. I dont know why. Last post I had started writing was about The Man. But I hadnt finished writing it since I found some of the things written to personal. I guess now that I have written everything about myself, writing about someone else in my life seems like Im mis-using their trust. I know there is no way someone would read this and say "hey I know you and I know who The Man is" (besides my close friends who know I have this blog running). I guess I have always let this blog be a little personal to me, its just now I wonder whether I should be writing some things.... coz they might upset some people.

This thought has come across my mind quite often, ever since I moved in with The Man. Actually I have also had other thoughts in my mind besides this. W**** has been in my mind alot lately. I will now write what my heart wants...If anyone gets upset with this (those who know me will understand why Im feeling this way)...Sorry!

I know I shouldnt think of an ex when I have a good thing going with The Man. But like I have said before, I will always think of W**** no matter what happens to me. Its like I would walk through fire and enter a paradise but I would still want to talk to W**** about everything I have learnt. W**** wasnt just an ex but also a best friend. That conbination you dont get very often. I was chatting to a friend of mine, who has been there for me when I was with W****. She told me I would never forget him. Even if I marry Mr Right! I kinda wish I could forget him. Because now living with The Man I want him to be close to me but I find it very hard to open up to him. I keep thinking I will rely on The Man and he would then realise Im not the one and leave.

Since I was young til now, I have learnt from my mistakes but what had happened between me and W**** was kinda like a scar that will never leave me. I have told The Man about W****. Coz I think he has a right to know, also I had told him all this when I thought me and him wouldnt work out.

I guess Im having cold feet. I am living a life that I always wanted to live. Im in love with The Man and I love my job and friends. But my heart still bleeds for people who I have lost. Some who will never come back, others who choose not to come back. And so Im trying to find fault with what I do have.

Monday...

Oh what a beautiful day. It's raining outside whilst Im stuck in my office. Its brilliant. No, Honestly it is! Its been so hot this summer that I ACTUALLY secretly hoped that it would rain like British weather. And it did! The clouds are grey and the street are muddy. You could smell the rain, just slightly inside the office.

Well... Thats my weather report to you all. lol

I have done the impossible. Well... Not really impossible but something I thought I'd probably never get round to doing. I have now moved out of my old apartment and into my new one. The new apartment is a two bedroom flat with ensuite in the master bedroom. It is beautyful! ok... Lets start again with how it all came about.

I had gone with The Man, to spend the weekend with him last weekend. Well it didnt go to plan and I was very ill during our time together so he had to take care of me. The monday following me and him had started wondering about our relationship. It was the most serious conversation ever! At times I wanted to laugh at the situation but I knew I couldnt since he will take it as something else. But after a long time we both decided that it would be good if I moved in with him. I mean I could always move out if it doesnt work out, Right?

I have now moved in with him and I'm happy. Our relationship is not the normal relationship everyone has but its close enough to one. I guess either way, moving in with him or by myself, I had to move out. But I secretly hope I didnt move in with him just so I have a reason for moving out of my apartment. Hmm. I havent yet told him I love him, I will do some day but right now I want to settle in with him. At times he shows he loves me but at times he's so mysterious that im left confused. He does care for me, he shows me that every time I'm near him but... I dunno. I guess no matter what happens in life, whether good or bad, we will always question it. After all we are humans and nothing is too good to be true.

Oh well... What ever happens I will just have to face it when it happens. Hopefully everything works out like a fairy tale (Yes, Im still a little girl at heart no matter what I do or say haha).

I cant take it anymore... I have another little confession to make to you all. I just found out that I have miss read a email I recieved from The Man (AGAIN!). The email stated that he would not be returning to London this week. Which really upset me since I had planned the weekend to spend it with him. But if you know me, you will know that I scan through all my emails. So when I read his email I was like 'Fine, let me cancel the hotel reservation.' Which I did as soon as I read it. But after a few hours I get a call from him asking that if I was still on for the weekend. I'm like "Er...No, you canceled, remember?" The Man then replies that he didnt and that I must of mis-read the email. OPPS. I had obviously mis-read the email and thought 'CRAP! What am I suppose to do now?'

So even though I was running around with my friend, I was also calling around to make hotel reservations. But it couldnt be done at this short notice. All my fave hotels were booked! Damn the summer holidays! But The Man, who some how is always there when I need help had called later to tell me that he had reserved a room for us once I told him I had mis-read the email. Bless his heart.

So hopefully, when the weekend starts I can relax with The Man and a bottle of wine. Ahhh.... Bliss!

I love him.

Wow! I hope I said it right. I have recently been speaking to The Man. We have become close even though he isnt near me. I love everything about him. I know before I couldnt accept the fact that he only wanted to have fun with me. But he did say he missed me and that he didnt care about fun. I never thought he left what I left. I had a vision of him in my mind, where he was on a high shelf, where he is untouchable. I can see him and he is near me but I can not truely have him. But that vision changed very slowly and now he is'nt on a high shelf. He's next to me with his arms around me. Weird how love changes things.

I was thinking last night, that we do things thinking we are making the best decision but in fact we are just playing a blind mans game. Like, not calling someone you love bacause you think they dont care about you. But if ever, we actually do pick up the phone and call we will find that, that person was thinking the same and feeling the same as you were. Thats how it was like with me and The Man. Even though I didnt call him, though I missed him dearly, he called me to tell me exactly what he was feeling.

The cliché saying "Love is blind". Well you dont know how true that is until it happens to you. Love is not only blind, but dumb and deaf. I have seen The Man in his ugliest look and I still found it alluring. (sick I know). He has also talked about his business and I noded like I knew everything he said, which ofcourse I didnt! He sings when he is driving, which is really out-of-tune. But I dont care, I love him.

The only problem... He doesnt know it.

Take an easy route to work today, see the scenery and smell the fresh air... er.. Nope, Cant happen.
This morning I was stuck in traffic on a bus with sweaty men! It was crowded and I didnt even have enough room to breath. Coz of my height I was, UNFORTUNATLEY stuck under men's armpits. YUCK!!!! Not a good site to see in the morning, nor a good place to be on a MONDAY morning.

I made a promise to myself today, that I will walk to work, come rain or shine. I am no longer going to be in the same place I was today, squashed between people. From tomorrow I will walk so I can avoid the traffic and the bloody perverted men.

Maybe thats what everyone should do. But dont consider doing this is you work 100 miles away from your work.

Anyways, I thought I needed to take this change.. Its good exercise, its healthy and most of all..... you cant actually get stuck in traffic!

Zidane Came...

Zidane Scored...

Zidane Missed...

Zidane's Out!!!

It was a good game, a good game. Well done Italy... They played well!

When can you say "I love you" in a relationship, without scaring the person your saying it to? My mate has been with this guy for 6 months. Its a good relationship but like all relationships, its come to a part where true feelings must be shown. All advices given, at times, hardly matter. I always thought that it would be easy to say once the feeling was there. But I know the timing and the place matter too. Trust me... everything matters when this topic arises. Its the next important speech next to being proposed to.

I have heard this line from many men. But I always thought when the right man says it I will return it. Its weird how the standards we set ouselves at times. When I was young I thought Il say it to one man, and one man only. Marry him and live happily ever after. I heard it twice from two men I've dated. Those two who left a mark on my heart. Now I wonder when Il hear it again.

My friend has to tell his lover about his feelings and I always tell him to do it now or regret it later. Coz you never know what your other half might be thinking...

YES! YES! FRANCE DID IT!

FRANCE v PORTUGAL 1-0

WHO DOUBTED FRANCE? COME ON.... OWN UP!

HAHAHAHA

IM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY

COME ON FRANCE WIN THE WORLD CUP!!!!

Yes that is correct. He has PMS... Read my earlier post if your not sure what that means. He came through to my office only to have a tantrum. Not towards me but some guy on the phone. All for show? Well I hope so... Coz his behaviour has been getting really strange in the past few days.

For those of you interested... today is the FRANCE V PORTUGAL match. COMMON FRANCE!!

My friends have finally thought it might be reasonable to watch this match. Me and them had gone into shock when England lost and they decided not to watch the other matchs. But this one they will watch. Ahh... The old footie gang are back together.

The weather is sooooo hot! I want to go to the sea-side. F*cking hell man! I cant believe it man. So hot! Aint even got the energy to write! Might just stay near the Southend beach for the rest of the week. F*ck work. Good idea eh?






Oh shit..... I cant go... Who will pay the rent if I go?

England lost. I can't even bother to write. Im so upset.


England Lost.... BUT I DONT CARE I WILL STILL HAVE THE ENGLAND FLAG UP.


England lost... They played well.


England lost... One day they will WIN!!!



(If your upset about this news too... Dont worry... There's always the next world cup)